Just Your Average Sam

She sits quietly
But a raging lion roars ferociously inside her mind
Silent yet deadly
Angry but cool to the touch
Contemplating the world
Relationships
Friendships
Or the Lack Thereof
Alone in her indulgences and yet wanting to be seperated
She sees herself standing there, no more than an arm's length away
Yet she cannot touch
She cannot feel
She just stares
Feeling the turmoil admist the warmth inside her stomach
Cool panes frost over her fingertips as she looks for something substantial
But nothing is there
Telephone picks up the deaf tones of silence on the other end
There is nothing more to say
There way really nothing to begin with
Let go the time that has passed by us
As we standin our own seperate worlds and the ties have been cut
You are not who you think you are
And if you think you are you then you are wrong
You will not read this
Like the unopened newspaper wrapped securely in a red plastic bag
Sitting at the end of a driveway
In the middle of a rainstorm
Wishing for more
Having so much to say
Yet the only time the message is detected is when there is nothing better on TV
The signal is fading
The lion stands raging
Ferocious
Unafraid but careful not to burst
The fear of spilling out and never begin recovered remains in her mind
Let it be
Yet Be - yourself
There is nothing more to say now
Drifting slowly like a sailboat in the middle of calm seas
Your vessel is drifting away and her lure remains within her grasp
There is nothing left to give
Because standing any longer would bring nothing but misery
Unattained fairyales never come true
Listen to the silent rage of the animal within
So thoughtful, strong, powerful, regal and esteemed
Hush now little lion, close your eyes and fall to sleep
Endure the blue eclipse that wishes to cover your entire being with its serenity
Quiet your mind and fall into a tingling sleep
Tomorrow brings a new day
Purged, and uneventful - walk over the bridge
and never, ever look back

Recently I had a conversation with a friend who, being single, has decided to invest in a book called Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man by comedian Steve Harvey. This book was created to help women understand the complex nature of a man. To read his 'signals' and learn how to play the player - so to speak. I had to reflect on my own past when I'd purchased Dr Phil's book Love Smart after leaving my daughters father. On the surface I wanted the book to teach me about myself, help me figure men out and how to make them want me and truly love me... but subconsciously all I really wanted was to learn how to make a man love me. {Fast Foward: The book didn't do that, but it does make for great bathroom reading}


That was over 3 years ago. Looking back I can tell you that I did actually find the answers I was looking for in a great book - the Bible. The book is a bestseller, it's written by the ultimate self-help guide and can teach you not only how to live on this Earth - but more importantly how to earn life forever. How cool is that?


If you just found yourself rolling your eyes or beginning to click that little X in the top right corner of your page - LISTEN UP. This blog was written for you. That's right. This morning as I listened to my church Pastor I actually scrambled to pull out my pen and write down words that I truly feel helped tranform my mind about alot of those I know & love. He said that the most cynical men are those who were once full of hope [from religion] but were ultimately greatly disappointed the most. Those words spoke to me. They moved me. -- I mean I wrote them down didn't I?!

The Lord never promised to anyone that life would be easy. In fact -there is no way to promise you anything about walking by faith. I cannot tell you how many times I've tripped over stones [that seemed as big as mountains at the time] and thought that God had forsaken me. 'How could this happen to me?" "I thought I asked you not to let this happen!" "Please fix this!" "Why? What did I do?" .."Are you even listening to me?!"


I've come to realize two things: First - it's that we cannot change the world around us or those we love. We can, and should, pray for them and hope for the best. Life happens though and the fact of the matter is we cannot control what happens around us. All we can do is to be in continual prayer. It is when we stop praying and stop turning to God for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control and let Satan get a foothold to say "I thought he said this kind of thing wouldn't happen" that we lose sight of God, lose our faith in Him and allow the world to suck us in.

Second is this - it is all too easy to see the world in a negative light, it's easy to get wrapped up in self-pity, anger, wrath, temptation, gluttony, depression and all of the other ailments and despairs that the enemy would loveto have us feel.

The only thing you can do is to be full of Spirit. Do not take offense, do not grumble - make a decision DAILY to Die To Self. How amazing would it be to be able to say "I am controlled by my faith". Wow. What if we, instead of seeing only a dollar in our wallet, give preference to others and see only the man standing outside the McDonald's with a "Homeless and Hungry" sign and see the potential to make a difference in that man's life today? Buy him a sandwich, the glass of water is free - say nothing but God Bless and hand him that food. Plant the seed. Many of us are so afraid to share our faith with others - but we can show our faith by our actions & our words. The old addage says "actions speak louder than words". Think about it. Remember how you felt when you watched Pay It Forward and do it within the means of your own life. Have Faith. Your reward is promised!

Today I want to encourage you to remember that our God is the God of forgiveness and He does not condemn. When you ask for forgiveness - you've got it. If the enemy tries to sneak that thought back into your mind - rebuke him!

James 4:7, "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

Be Blessed - and I MEAN that!

President Obama vowed to sign the Freedom of Choice Act into law. If you don't know what the FOCA will do, click here to read a great article from Moms on the Right. Two of the things that stand out to me are the fact that FOCA will use taxpayer money for abortions, and, it will require states to allow partial-birth and other types of abortions.


This will be a huge issue in the coming months... ProLife organizations are already gearing up for a big fight. I'm praying that this act won't become law.


"If men strive, and hurt a women with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine. And if any mischief follow, then thou shalt give life for life." (Ex.21:22-23)

I thought I'd recap on a recent outing I had solo. (yes, w/out kids.. imagine that) I wish it were a joyful event but alas I had an important appointment so off I went. My car, unlike many newer ones with GPS built in, is solely user navigated and will not scream at me to "U-Turn! U-Turn!" if I veer off in the wrong direction. I know some of you may be saying that I could just as easily invest in a portable navigation system for my dear POS car but I simply can't bring myself to do it. Does the phrase "burglar's dream" help at all? But I digress... so I planned ahead {laughs} and printed out the mapquest directions on how to get to the site. I got there - no problem - had my appointment & back into the car I went. It wasn't until I buckled up my seatbelt that it dawned on me.... I never printed reversed directions. Nice one Sam. {and if you're nodding your head because you've been there then a big *high five* to ya} Anyhow, I pulled out the directioins and decided that I would simply reverse the directional routes using the same Freeway numbers. That should be easy enough, right?


[i think i recall seeing this exact sign]


Well the first leg of my, almost hour long, journey went smoothly. I had to speed up a few times to get around trucks so that I could see that blasted Freeway sign before the actual exits hit but I managed. Then came the big split. It was either "Do you want to go to Los Angeles or Tahoe". I did not know. LOL I decided to go to Tahoe in a rash last second decision (right before that big box truck almost hit me) and felt a bit nervous about the terrain. I didn't remember anything I was seeing. What to do?

Now let's backtrack a bit here so you can understand my state of mind at the time. I was in a place I'd never been, on unfamiliar roads that made no sense, vehicles everywhere spanning across five lanes, it's hot, my A/C is broken... are you up to speed? Ok, so here I was driving and feeling quite unsure of myself - then suddenly a bible verse came to mind. I read a book called The Mommy Diaries in which one of the stories talked about a mother being unsure of what she was supposed to be doing with her life. So there I was - driving, lost, frustrated - and suddenly Proverbs 3:5 comes to mind. The Lord said to me "You need to trust me- just let go and trust me." I said to Him "Please give me a sign". Then, naive Sam, begins looking for a sign- literally. There I was, driving down the freeway looking for some graffiti saying "Wrong Way" or something definite along those lines. In case you're wondering - it never happened.

No, the Lord laughed {at least I'm pretty sure He did} as I thought that. Instead, I suddenly came to three fast food restaurant signs that I'd seen the night before when I took Juliette to the hospital. And somehow I had enough super awesome driving ability to turn my head and look at the signs, relate back to the night before and realize that I'd seen them coming from the opposite direction. I was going the right way after all!

You may be wondering... what next? Well, I'll tell ya. I got cocky. I started driving and passed 2 exits that I KNEW how to get home from. I passed shopping areas, restaurants, roads and other assorted places that were familiar.. but I never got off the freeway. I kept going. Suddenly, as it happens to do quite frequently in this area, the freeway was surrounded by farm land again. I felt sick. Why didn't I get off? What was I waiting for?

There is a story that is often told about not seeing the signs God is sending us. Here's how it goes....

A man was in his house when horrendous rains started coming up. The water starts rising, and before you know it, the entire state is flooded. Roads are covered. Nothing’s moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along.

Guy in the boat yells, ‘Come on - we’re here to save you. Get in the boat.’
Guy in the house says, ‘No…I’ve got faith that God will save me.'
The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy is forced up the second floor of his house by the flood waters.

Another boat comes along. The guy in the boat yells, ‘Come on! It’s getting worse. If
you don’t get in the boat, you’re going to drown.’ From the second floor window the guy says, ‘No…I’ll be ok. I’ve got faith in God that he’ll save me.’ The boat leaves. Water’s rising. The guy’s on the roof at this point.
A helicopter hovers overhead and the pilot shouts out, ‘This is your last
chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don’t come now you’re going to drown.’
The guy says from the roof, ‘No, thanks. God will save me.’
The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The water rises. The guy drowns.
He ascends to the pearly gates. He asks St. Peter, ‘What happened? I’ve been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he would save me. Why did he let me down?’
And St. Peter tells him, ‘What the heck do you want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!?’
So you see - if you ask, and He gives you an answer - and you know He gave you the answer- then you'd better listen. You must seek God in all things, but you must also be Obedient to Him when he speaks.

Back to driving.... I felt like such a turd. I felt like I had tested the Lord for Him to open up some unseen path to veer off on and take me home. That didn't happen. What do you do at that point? When you know you've messed up - even after He's answered your prayers - and feel lost? I repented. That's what I did.. I said, out loud, "Sorry about that". Within minutes, He revealed to me the sign for my exit . Imagine that.
Long story short? 'Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (NIV)'

Here I was, sitting at my computer whilst waiting on cupcakes to finish baking when I, quite randomly, came across a blog by Bonny. I read her blogs and was impressed with her faithfulness to the Lord, her ability to cope with her husbands death and the ability {and strength} she holds as a fellow single mother.

As I read through her excerpts I couldn't help but stumble upon one regarding Single Parenting. This was not in any way to advocate that single-parenting outshines its dual-parenting counterpart so much as it was a compilation of her thoughts (and perhaps others?) on the Strengths and Positive aspects of the product of a Single-Parent home.

Here I am, a God-fearing single mother who couldn't help but feel a sense of "atta girl!" as I read. I hope you find the same pleasures I did

Here's a few thoughts....

Children raised in a single parent home often have to participate more in housekeeping. They learn how to do laundry, clean toilets, cook, shop, and mow the yard. My kids love to clean toilets. They have learned that if one cleans toilets while the other washes dishes or folds laundry the toilet cleaner finishes faster- which is well worth the yuck factor of toilet scrubbing. Thus, they are able to care for themselves when they leave home.
They learn how to entertain themselves. If my kids tell me that they are bored, I simply say, "Gee, I'm sorry. Do you want me to find you something to do?" They rarely tell me they are bored. They do not look to me to keep them entertained and happy. They do look to me for love and they get lots of that!

They cannot divide and conquer. My kids cannot play me against myself. Instead, they learn to negotiate one to one. Sometimes I encourage this and sometimes I let them know that something is nonnegotiable.

They learn independence. My children see through me that they can do what needs to be done. There is great value in the example of interaction in a healthy marriage. There is also great value in seeing someone overcome obstacles alone.

They learn the basics of survival in our society. My kids no longer have the option of staying at home with Daddy when I get the oil changed, pump gas, go to the bank, or shop. Since they are with me I talk to them about what I am doing. It helps them feel involved, which puts a stop to whining, and they learn about car maintenance, financial planning, keeping accounts, and shopping for value. It is easier to do these things without them, but when they are at school I am at work, so they go with me.
They learn time management. I can't do everything that two people do. I might tell them, "We need to do these five things, but there is probably only time for two or three. Which do you think are the most important things to do?"



Here she is...http://www.myservantsong.com/2009/03/single-mom.html

Help me to stand with two feet on the ground
Heavy and weighted
Sinking into the sand
The tides rushing in
as the waves crash nearby
Wide open spaces
Yet so suffocated I could die

My mind is an escape artist
Falling free from this trap
My body contained
My head in the clouds
A smile on my face
but inside my brain goes wild

The seashell rings freely
My ears open wide
My deepest desire unknown even to me
I can't think at times it seems

Of one thing am I certain
This container cannot contain its contents
Movement is necessary
Not just in my soul but on my flesh
I sit here and I ponder
Until the last moment I do not know

Closing my eyes
I bow my head
I know things are destined
and I yield to His will
Putting responsiblity before me
I know it deep within my heart
My feet will have to follow
I'll command them and make it so
The truest of my desires
Have been thrust upon me
So I must go

I know you've all been on the edge of your seats, eager with anticipation, just waiting for me to post my blog today. Well you can rest easy now - here it is!

Low and behold, despite having to stay up later because I had a still life drawing project due for school (due last night & no later) I got up this morning at 5:05 am. I struggled, still half asleep, to feel around for my cell phone. This, of course, being my only light source in a dark room where Mike is asleep - and to guide me down an even darker stairwell so as not to turn the light on & wake the kids. I fumbled around for awhile, half asleep, and at one point found myself sitting on the sofa chair sort of sleeping with my eyes awake. I mustered through it though! By 5:20 I was out the door and into the 45 degree (or less) weather. It was dark..it was cold... there was frost on the grass - and did I mention it was windy? I sound like I'm bitching so let me stop while I still have some dignity *checks for dignity* Okay, so I turned on my Robert Ullrey podcast for Week 1 and started out.

I actually found that starting & stopping between fast sprints and brisk walking is a great work out. Usually I'm doing just a straight jogging for about 1.2 miles.. but this time I did a total of 2.12 miles & it was really great. After 2 more sessions I will be increasing speed & working more of focused breathing (through the nose people!) and distance. I've got high hopes for myself. The only problem is that I feel like I'm going to be lost tomorrow not running - it is my rest day. *sigh* I can see the importance of it since going every night is overtraining. I guess I could just got for a nice, looong, walk with the kiddos (and probably will - they love them)

On a different note.. Juliebear had her checkup today for her ears (due to the double infection after having tubes inserted less than 3 weeks ago) and all is well. My instaincts tell me she's going to be just fine but I don't remember having any problems with fluids expulsion when Jake had his. ? ;/

In about a mont the kids are going out to see nonny & poppa (mom&dad) who are going to spoil the living daylights out of them. They're even going to YellowStone National Park. WTF? I can recall growing up thinking that riding my bike down to Deb's ice cream was a real trip... and they get to go to YellowStone? How does that work?

Ah grandparenthood...the time when you can make up for your failures as a parent. (kidding people, geesh!) Seriously, I am very excited for them to have the opportunity to go visit with my family. They'll be treated the way I wish I could treat them & afforded all the luxuries a child could want (besides a dog.. or a horse.. they're not getting on a plane with that)

Anyhoo... all done ranting for today. Look for updates (possibly pictures?) tomorrow.